Message #1060
Subject: Offering Plates
To: ECULAUGH DIGEST
From: Christy Ramsey
Date: 10/31/2007 16:03 EDT

Note #9580 from Christy Ramsey to ECULAUGH:
Note #1876 from JHeiser to ECULAUGH RAW:


Offering Plates

The church I serve has a summer ministry at a chapel. At our first service
last summer, the chairman of the board of deacons met me at the door with
the information that there were no offering plates to be found. None of
the
men wore hats, and he thought it undignified to pass a shoe. He had tried
to
borrow something suitable from a house nearby, but no one was home.

When I went to the chancel to begin the service, the problem was still
unsolved.

Time came for the offering, and two ushers walked down the aisle wearing
broad grins and carrying shiny receptacles. The deacon had resourcefully
borrowed two hubcaps from a parishioner's car.

Message #1059
Subject: License Plate Scripture
To: ECULAUGH DIGEST
From: Christy Ramsey
Date: 10/31/2007 16:03 EDT

Note #9577 from RAY KERLEY to ECULAUGH:


    Last week my wife was in her usual hurry to drive home from work. She
tailgated one particularly slow car for some distance, mumbling some
unflattering comments under her breath the whole time. Suddenly her
attention was drawn to the license plate on the car. It was one of those
vanity plates people pay extra money for and it read "LUKE 4 8". Not
familiar with that particular verse my wife didn't immediately understand
it's significance, but it stuck in her mind, as she continued cursing and
tailgating the car down the road.

    Finally getting home, my wife sat and relaxed for a minute, thinking
about that verse and wondering what it was that the driver of the car was
trying to say with that plate. Reaching for her KJV Bible it only took her
a minute to locate Luke 4:8 and read, "And Jesus answered and said unto
him, Get thee behind me, Satan..."


  Ray Kerley
  5745 South 700 West, Murray, Utah  84123   Telephone: 801/269-8827
  (Written on 03/23/06 at  8:17 am MST)
  Welcome to ABNET (American Baptist Network): http://abnet.ecunet.org

Message #1058
Subject: Life Lessons from Noah
To: ECULAUGH DIGEST
From: Christy Ramsey
Date: 10/31/2007 16:03 EDT

Note #9576 from RAY KERLEY to ECULAUGH:


                    LIFE LESSONS I'VE LEARNED FROM NOAH
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Don't miss the boat.

2. Remember that we are all in the same boat.

3. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

4. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old someone may ask you to do something
   really big.

5. Don't listen to critics, just get on with the job that needs to be
done.

6. Build your future on high ground.

7. For safety's sake travel in pairs.

8. Speed isn't everything. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

9. When you're stressed, float awhile.

10. Remember the Ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic by professionals.

11. If you can't fight or flee -- float.

12. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

13. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain --
grab
    a shovel.

14. Stay below deck during the storm.

15. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

16. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than
the
    storm outside.

17. When you're stressed, float a while.

18. No matter the storm, when you are with God there's always a rainbow
waiting.



  Ray Kerley
  5745 South 700 West, Murray, Utah  84123   Telephone: 801/269-8827
  (Written on 03/19/06 at  7:43 am MST)
  Welcome to ABNET (American Baptist Network): http://abnet.ecunet.org

Message #1057
Subject: Catholic Dictionary
To: ECULAUGH DIGEST
From: Christy Ramsey
Date: 10/31/2007 16:03 EDT

Note #9575 from RAY KERLEY to ECULAUGH:


                            Catholic Dictionary
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Act of Contrition
A penitential prayer you warm up with so you don't cramp up in the
confessional.

Act of God
1. The kind of disaster insurance doesn't cover.
2. The only way to get some Catholics to church on Sunday.

Act of Faith
An action that shows a person's belief that an event will occur, such as
when a guy cleans his bedroom before a big date.

Acts of the Apostles
1. Phony motions to the wallet made by the Apostles when the check
    arrived for the Last Supper.
2. Christ's touring company (they knocked 'em dead in Samaria,
    Thessalonica, Damascus, etc.)

Advent
A season filled with the sounds of pipers piping, drummers drumming and
cash registers ringing.

Advent Wreath
A brightly colored, seasonally decorated fire hazard.

Agnostic
1. An atheist who is hedging his bets.
2. Someone who isn't sure there is a God, but who is sure he
    doesn't want to go to Mass every Sunday.

All Saints Day (November 1st)
A day to honor the least-known saints and give your least-liked Halloween
candy to your little brother.

All Soul' Day (November 2nd)
The day to remember all deceased Motown recording artists.

Alpha and Omega
The fraternity that Christ belonged to.

Amen
The only part of a prayer everyone knows.

Annulment
1. Divorce, Catholic style.
2. A decree that a marriage never existed; like the dream sequence
    on "Dallas".

Apocalypse
An important event that you probably can't find a Hallmark card for.

Apostasy
The difficult process of giving up one set of beliefs for another, such as
switching from Leno to Letterman.

Arc of the Covenant
The trajectory of the tablets when Moses threw them down the mountain.

Armageddon
The last day you can redeem your green stamps.

Ascension of Christ
Jesus' rising into heaven forty days after Easter (an indication of how
tough it is to get a table up there).

Asceticism
Living a pure, virtuous life...and then dying of boredom.

Beatification
1. Papal recognition that a holy person is one step away from
    having a parochial school named after him.
2. The step in the canonization process when a persons' head is
    fitted for a halo.

Beatitudes
1. Sayings that look nice on a cross-stitched plaque.
2. Second rate attitudes.

Benediction
The start of the race to the parking lot.

Bethlehem
Where Mary and Joseph had to come to their census.

Bingo
1. How Catholics tithe.
2. The parlor game churches organize each week to keep little old
    ladies off the street.

Bishop
Old man in the see.

Blessed Virgin
The phrase Joseph muttered himself to sleep with.

Blessing
A prayer preceding an event that grants God's grace and releases Him from
any liability.

Blind Faith
A redundant expression.

Body of Christ
Amen...oops, sorry. Habit I guess.

Bulletin
1. Parish information read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

Burning bush
What the Israelites thought Moses had been smoking when he said he
spoke with God.


  Ray Kerley
  5745 South 700 West, Murray, Utah  84123   Telephone: 801/269-8827
  (Written on 03/16/06 at 10:23 am MST)
  Welcome to ABNET (American Baptist Network): http://abnet.ecunet.org